Wot a Fine Pear! A Juicy Example of Rebranding for Idiots

I make no bones about the fact I’m rather a pedant, and a stickler for things being correct. The misuse of words (and punctuation) sends me absolutely loopy, with ‘random’ used to mean ‘a bit unusual’ being a particular pet hate of mine.  Not without good reason, I don’t think. I perceive the spread of incorrect use as being emblematic of a wider and deeper issue in society, that the ‘dumbing down’ that’s affected every part of our culture and society is equal parts ‘don’t know’ and ‘don’t care.’ Often, in pointing out that something is misspelled or an incorrect word used, I’m told that ‘it doesn’t matter’ or that ‘no-one will notice’ or that ‘people will get the meaning.’ Maybe they will: maybe they won’t. Why take that chance? Specific words have evolved with specific meaning in order that we can communicate complex concepts with clarity and without ambiguity.

One thing that’s really been grinding my gears recently is the proliferation of rebranded alcoholic beverages made with fermented pear juice. Yes, perry. In order to sell it as a trendy drink for semi-literate bozos, the manufacturers have taken to advertising it as ‘pear cider.’ It’s abundantly clear from both the Brothers and Magners adverts that their target markets are young, cool, ‘irreverent’ and above all stupid. But more than anything, the promotion of ‘pear cider’ annoys the hell out of me simply because it’s wrong! Fermented grapes produce wine, not grape beer or grape cider. Fermented honey produces mead, not honey wine or honey cider. So, perry, being a drunk unto itself is perry.

I despair, and wonder what else could find itself being renamed in order for fuckwits to get a grasp on what it is so they’ll buy it thinking it’s something new and exciting. Perhaps rebranding bitter as ‘dark lager’ is the way forward (and yes, I appreciate that despite having the same basic ingredients, the two are completely different on account of lager typically being brewed using bottom-fermenting yeast strains and bitters using top-fermenting yeasts and being brewed at a higher temperature). How about making pipes fashionable by calling them paperless, filterless, never-ending cigarettes? Could cream become ‘extra-thick milk’? Pavements come to be called ‘foot roads’? How about ‘hand-socks’ in place of gloves? Personally, I think its time to relaunch vinyl as ‘large hard-format MP3 discs.’ The undigital revolution starts here!

And if you’re loving my work, there’s more of the same (only different) at Christophernosnibor.co.uk

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